I'm gonna go where dreams like rivers flow

basically right, i think it's really sad that some people can't feel sympathetic for someone they don't know.
just the fact that i'm close to HIM, is enough for me to feel some sadness.
he's devastated, and i want to comfort him, and yeah, i got teary eyed when he told me what happened.
but why is that a problem?
rawrrrrrr.
hopefully i'll be able to make him feel better.

my parents make no sense.
they yell and scream that i've 'disobeyed their orders' or some shit, and then, buy me new clothes and shoes.
=S
dodgy.
but i'm not exactly going to complain hhaha.





i want to move out.
as soon as, really.
i'm so annoyed at the amount of people who are getting jobs after looking for like 2 days, and i'm sat here badly needing a job and not getting anything.
and yes, i've shoved my CV in everyone's face possible.
ughh.




i just want to move out.
and just.
get away from myself.

here's the story:

the whole club lookin' at her.

i wanna be that girl.
i will be that girl. one day. one day soon.
;]

well, that was a great conversation about racism.
i hate it.
hate it hate it hate it.


it's really quite nice sitting outside to be honest.
it's abit chilly but nothing i can't handle with a cup of tea.
i gave in to buying cigarettes, but i got them for half the price from ben's mum. so it's all good.
and tomorrow i've gotta spend £15 on credit for my dear david.
lol.
ahh i don't mind really, i would only spend it on alcohol otherwise, and i don't want to do that this week.
i want to get myself sorted, not fuck myself up even more.
i'll have £15 left.
so i can get myself credit, and have a tenner for emergency supplies, orrrr a night out if im desperate. or just keep it for when i'm skint completely.
my intelligence is escaping me.

it's only 12:15 and i'm yawning.
dawn of a new era?
=O

free house 12hours from now.
i may have to invite company.

bbq methinks?
hmmm.
don't let me buy cigarettes.

well i just wrote pretty much a whole entry, and accidentally closed it. and the auto-save shit obviously isn't working for me right now. BASTARDS. oh well, it wasn't that interesting anyway.
i had to turn down an opportunity to go to the pub tonight =/ because my parents are only giving me a certain amount of money for this week, and if i want to go to the pub, it's coming out of that. and i need it for food. and phone credit. and phone credit for david. and cigarettes. ahhh i haven't bought any in about two weeks. i'm itching to buy some. i've had like, one a day in the past 2weeks. it's just not working for me. lol.

i seem to be in a weird mood today, like, i don't care. i'm uninterested. i'm not in the mood for fucking around, being a twat. i feel sluggish and unmotivated.

and to be honest, i'd love to go up north or something for a couple of days, get refreshed. but i have to look after the dog. =/

but i really shouldn't be on here right now, i should be majorly cleaning my room. otherwise i ain't getting any money at all.

it's my life, and it's now or never.

i wish life was just, relaxing. easy. straight forward, maybe the odd bump here and there but nothing major. simple.

the world is so beautiful though. i think about it sometimes, about how little of this world i've seen. and how much of it there is that hasn't even been discovered. that's just amazing.
and not even this planet maybe, other planets. planets that existed before ours. i mean. what's to say they aren't//weren't even more amazing than ours?

looking up at the sky on a clear day, it clears my mind of everything. the way clouds can just sit there, and scud on by. it relaxes me. even just for a second.

sometimes i wish that my mind had it's own built in camera so that i could just look at something and have it take a picture. i could capture all the moments that made me smile, the skies that took my breath away, the things that just can't be explained with words.

and i wish that i could do things i wanna do without losing motivation. i wish that so bad. i would be exercising every day, saying no to food when i know i don't need it, reading books to widen my imagination and vocabulary, trying at least one new thing every day, talking to more people, doing more for myself to make my life more enjoyable and worthwhile and definitely watching less telly at this ridiculous time of the morning.

i really don't know where all this is coming from. i guess it's stuff that just churns in my head permanently, and i don't realize just how much it goes through my mind.

i should really be in bed right now. ugh.
my dad's gonna flip at me if i don't wake up at a 'reasonable time' tomorrow.
they leave for turkey on saturday afternoon, i'd like some money for the week to be honest.

right well today was a complete waste of time really.
no point dragging myself to the tesco open evening.
but i REALLY want to work in game.
i really really really do.
i don't even know why, i'm not a gamer. i don't know much about games. just the atmosphere in there, makes me want to work there. =D
and to be surrounded by complete game geeks...well. that's just my bag isn't it.
haha.
apparently i look like a geek. so i would fit right in. wicked!

had a pretty interesting visit to the park too. had a stick fight with sean, that was cool.
but it was NOT cool when he got a stick and grabbed me round the neck from behind with it. luckily i'm pretty hench, and it just snapped. ha.
shame on his plan to kill me!
slightly weird being around everyone again, seeing as i haven't properly seen most of them in quite a while.
but it was refreshing.=]

big brother 9!!!!!
gosh, the different characters they manage to find and put in that house is immense.
feel abit sorry for the blind guy though. not BECAUSE he's blind, but because of the way the other housemates acted towards him. like they didn't know what the fuck to do, or what to say to him, just because he can't see them.
bless =[
and  the same with the albino guy as well. i mean yeah of course he must have been abit of a shocker at first but yknow, don't let that taint how he could be (and probably is) a really genuine and lovely guy!
and because he has an american accent, hardly any of them got his name right.

my parents are going away to turkey on saturday. they're trying to get as much holiday time as bloody possible because my mum hasn't got work at the moment. they've been away so much in the past few months it's crazy.
but i don't mind, i like running the house =D lol.
i'm contemplating something, but not sure if i should go through with it.
probably not a good idea to contemplate..but i dunno.

watch the skies.

so i've been thinking that i should write this shit down somewhere because if it stays in my head it probably won't do me much good.
right now, i really think i need to move on with my life. i'm stuck on some kind of repeat loop at the moment. every day is the same as the one
before, nothing varies, aside from the amount of friends i meet up with that day. i'm contributing to nothing, i'm not useful, i'm just, here.

BUT

i plan to change all that. in the past two days i've filled out seven job application forms, and have a list of another half a dozen places that will take my CV. i'm gonna get a job, earn the money i need to earn, save it, spend it, do whatever. but i'll be useful. i won't just be another bum lazing around doing absolutely fuck all every day.
i would like to go to college in september but i don't think it's really for me. i've attempted twice but to no avail.
so this is my plan.

• get a job.
• lose weight.
• move on with my damned life.
• and hopefully make some new friends along the way. form new and exciting relationships.

=]